When Shrinking Gets Mistaken for Growth

Have you ever noticed that there is a type of woman who gets praised a lot. Current events are showing this more and more, as we wade through the muck of political beliefs clashing with human rights, and it’s becoming more evident daily.

I believe with everything in me that women should be able to choose what they want, and be the person they want to be. AND ALSO – we have been conditioned, as women, to be the type of woman that we see praised over and over again in media, news and more.

This woman is “easy.”

She’s “low maintenance.”

She doesn’t ask for much.

She doesn’t rock the boat.

She serves those around her with sacrifice and without considering her own needs – just look around the card aisle around Mother’s Day to see exactly what moms are praised and thanked for.

On the surface, all of these traits can look like emotional maturity, or even look like growth. But for a lot of women, it’s not growth at all. It’s survival dressed up as politeness.

Shrinking yourself was never the goal.

It was always a strategy, whether intentional or not.

When Shrinking Is Mistaken for Growth

So many women have been conditioned from the time they were very little that being liked was safer than being honest. That harmony mattered more than truth. That having needs makes you difficult, or high maintenance, or “needy.”

And if we’re being real – in many situations, being liked and agreeable is absolutely safer.

So we learn how to read the room.

We learn when to stay quiet, it’s not worth an argument, right?

We learned how to soften our reactions, our tone in speaking, our wants, our presence.

Over time, those skills can start to become a second skin – and almost feel like “just who we are.” We might even pride ourselves on being calm, adaptable, or easygoing.

But here’s a gut check: when you constantly override your own instincts to keep the peace, that’s not maturity. That’s a habit you learned because it worked.

It kept you safe.

It kept relationships intact – even if those relationships themselves were unsafe or unhealthy.

It kept you from being judged, rejected, or labeled “too much.”

Says yours truly, the queen of the TOO MUCH QUEENDOM.

What Expansion Really Looks Like

When you decide to stop shrinking, it doesn’t mean you’re choosing to become loud, aggressive, or confrontational. Expansion is quieter than that.

It looks like:

Letting your feelings exist and processing them without immediately minimizing them.

Taking up space without explaining or justifying yourself.

Allowing yourself to be seen or chosen for positions of visibility before you really feel “ready.”

Trusting that your needs are not an inconvenience or something to apologize for.

Living fully into the person that you ARE – instead of who you’ve been conditioned to be – is not about overpowering anyone. It’s about letting yourself exist fully, without editing or shrinking for someone else’s comfort.

You Were Never Meant to Be Small

The good news is: there is nothing wrong with you, even if you’ve ever felt disconnected, resentful without knowing why, or exhausted from “being good.”

You aren’t failing at confidence.

You aren’t broken.

You have just been living inside a pattern that once kept you safe.

So what does all of this mean, why am I even mentioning this? Because the work for all of us who have been shrinking ourselves – sometimes for decades – isn’t to become someone else. It isn’t to adopt some sort of ideology or personality trait that we think is better.

It’s to stop abandoning ourselves.

THIS is the kind of space that I hold in my work, with my clients, my peers and even my family, friends and my daughter. Whether it’s my boudoir photography, conversation during hair and makeup, or through my coaching – I’m not forcing confidence, or encouraging someone to be confident when they don’t truly feel that way.

I create safety for presence, honesty, and self trust.

Because shrinking was never the goal, for anyone –

and it doesn’t have to be the price of belonging.